*Blink*

I am quietly freaking out. Very quietly. And that is the worst sort of freaking out I do. Why? *snorts* Cause it means Im about to step out of my boxes, layers, and walls. It means peeking out, (or worse yet, STEPPING out), of my world. It is one thing to know that this blog CAN be seen by others, and a totally scary thing to know it IS seen by others. It's the sort of mental blinder I have to allow me to actually write what I do here. Knowing that Im "hiding in plain sight." Now, I know, the trick will be to keep putting down what is a very real slice of my mind and heart... To STAY open and real. Hence the quietly freaking out.

Hello. This is me. I am here. I am real. I am a royal mess. Nice to meet you.

Brain Dump

Yeah.. it's time for a brain dump, cause there's tooooooo much miscellany floating round and round and round...

I. I REALLY should have called the Nintendo folks a LOT sooner.. Like months ago. The power cord for our Wii took a dump and it has been an on-again-off-again thing to try to replace it. Lots of dead ends in the stores, and my Aspie kicks up when I have to call people. So wish I had kicked my inner Aspie a bit harder, and sooner. Eric was very helpful, nice, down to earth, and set it up to send me a new cord, free of charge. WooT for Eric! Cant wait to play my games again!

II. DH is on a cleaning streak. I really hate when this happens on a Sunday. Sunday= Do Nothing Day. Oh aggravating. True, the house is trashed from me not feeling well, and the piled up laundry form the water filter needing to be changed is taking over... Just... It's SUNDAY! And to let him empty the dishwasher and reload it... *shudders* SO BEATING my inner Aspie on this... Talk about HARD. Maybe music will help that. And doing some chore he wont ever touch, like the cat litter changing. Yeah, that sounds good. Mine. All mine. My way. My order. My sanity. Oh yeah, Aspie...

III. The party for oldest Boyo went really well yesterday. My Mom really, really, really, knows how to cook!!!! Our house is too small for any type of party indoors, so had it at my rents. We combined some other occasions into it, like a couple anniversaries and a few other Bdays. Lots of family there (all my side of the fam, but THAT is a whole other novel), and a great time was had by all. It was loud, a bit crowded, and long enough for me to need a good deal of desensitization last night. I really want a sensory room... but thats a dream for another reality.

IV. The Boyoes look soooooooo good with their mohawks!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehehehehehehe! I am getting a bit more practiced, I think. Took less than an hour for each one, so at least it's taking less time. Still wrestling with getting pics of them up for y'all to see. Its a bit of a process to do it the way I know best...

V. My back hurts. Think stress and sleeping funny caused this newest wave of gah.

VI. Why would anyone put a $10 bill in their cell phone?

VII. My coffee is cold now. Blargh.

VIII. Boyo has more money from his party yesterday than DH & I do... Least till payday hits again, then if boyo still has his cash, he'll have more than us again...

IX. I need a job. This topic is a novel in itself, so cramming as much as I can back into the mental box from whence it came. Stomping it back in really. I haven't worked outside of the house in over 10 years. Aspie beating me on this in a bad way. I hate filling out applications in general; trying to fill them out after a 10 year gap is all but impossible to me. There have been no responses to the few I have managed to put out there. Doesn't help that for all my time in school, I never actually achieved any sort of degree. I was a few credits short of three different degrees... and all counts for nill on an application. And why cant I list being a SAHM as a job anyway?! *snorts and shakes her head* Moving on...

X. I really want to go back to class. I miss it terribly. I LOVE to learn, and learn a wide variety of things. I would love to be able to achieve some degrees, but really I just want to learn. And here again, no money to do so, no job to supply the money to do so... Gah.

XI. NaNoWriMo is just not going to happen this year. I'm scared of what I know will come out, so hiding again from it... for now. But with less than 2k words? Not happening. Nope. Not unless Tweets, and blogs, and IMs count. hmm... There's an idea. "Diary of a Not-So-Closet Aspie" Moving on before THAT sticks in my head...

XII. I have a "thing" with numbers, so will end on 12 here. Had too much for three, blew past seven and nine, so ypu, 12 it is. And the "ypu" links to #12's number "thing." I have ways I do things. A sort of internal coding that is very hard to break, and rewrite, or hack. Like the numbers I live by, and the words I make/rearrange to give little "tellers" of how I'm doing... For anyone clever enough to know the code...

For right now.

Time slips quietly by, like the misty raindrops gathering and falling off dead leaves too stubborn to let go. And here I sit within my mind; sitting in the shadows of the in-between. Which way will I choose?

I am tired of letting other things decide that for me, at least for right now. I don't know if I will be able to say that again tomorrow, or even later than this moment... For right now, though, I want to choose the sun steeped meadow, the warm evening breeze dappled with pollen and honey. At least in my world that sweet scented wind wont make my head explode...

For right now, I do not want my life summary to be "...", I want it to be more permanent. A period, an exclamation, even a question mark would be fine. Just not "...". So, for the next however-long-it-takes, I choose to be wandering in that beautiful vista, remembering what hope tastes like.

I'm going to bleed a bit here... No sharks, please.

Hello to all...
It has been way too long and I humbly apologize to any who still periodically check this poor neglected page.

I have been dealing with things lately that I am not good at dealing with; things better left in my Savior's hands...

Days like today when I am suffering from a lack of sleep are especially challenging. Clouds stubbornly fill my mind and refuse to budge. I crave to spend my day in the solitude of a good book, letting the characters struggle through challenges that I am too much of a coward to face.

Do I take this up in prayer? Ought to. Sorta want to. I know that it would mean facing some of this stuff... And I am lazy. Scared. Angry. Tired. Worn thin.

Joy is so fleeting, happiness overrated... Seriously overrated.

Days like today my heart wraps itself in this "safe" little shroud... Unholy.
Plain and simple.
I know it.
Change is scary and I'm facing a whole heap of it... And I have no idea how to hand things over to the ground before the cross to do so. I'm not so foolish, or prideful, to think I can do any of this stuff on my own. I can not even get to the hill of Calvary without His help.

Oh, Y'shua help... How oft I sigh this prayer...


Can you see me?
Can you look into my eyes and see the scars?
Can you hear the scream that lodges in my heart?
Can you feel the fear that shackles my soul?
Can you see this " fragile frame aged with misery"?
and "with crippled anger and tears that still drip sore"?**

No. There are none here on this earth that know the depths to which I have hurt. Just as I can never know how far your scars weep. "I am not alone!" No. None of us are.

Y'shua has caught all of our tears in His jar; someday He will wipe them all away...

I begin to understand some things about my own heart...

Mirror, Mirror, chained to the wall, hear my cry...
You hold the seed of freedom inside.
Your chains are the "damage" done, only you can let them go.
Often the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do.
You have Someone who can "swim" for you, if you let Him.
Do you trust what you see?
Do you trust what you feel?
Will you trust what is invisible right now?



PRAYER. TRUST. RESPECT. LOVE. HONOR. TRUTH. RIGHTEOUSNESS. HOLINESS. INTEGRITY. BELIEF. FAITH. hope...




There never is a "normal" because this side of the Fall is abnormal...


Thanks to any who have made it this far on this entry. Raw glimpses into who I am rarely follow patterns others can see... Welcome to my soul.

Loves to all and sundry,
Daughter of the King of kings and LORD of lords... me


**from the song "Cut" by Plumb. Few, very few, know the truth of this one for me... And I am "tired of dying inside just to breathe in"... Grace and peace.