From the mouths of babes...

Life has a way of throwing things at you that you are not ready for. It's what makes us grow and adapt. Today has been one of those days where I am not feeling the best and struggling to deal with teh Boyoes with patience, if not humor. 

That's when my elder son delivers a line that simply smacked me in the face. 

"My traitor is my creator."

Now this is coming from a nine year old. He likes to write songs and this happened to be the latest title of one such.  I am quite certain he did not intend it to mean as much as it does, but still...  Left me blinking.

How often do I/we let the little, and the big, "traitors" in our lives create our mindset? Our mood? Our way of "being" in the world? Do not mistake me here; I am not saying that we ought to be without influences, but rather quit sabotaging ourselves.

All too often in my daily life, the "traitor" is me. 

Ok... Aspie...

So... I did this Apsergers quiz thinger... Scary hard for an Aspie to do. Seriously. This was my results page.

Your Aspie score: 175 of 200

Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 49 of 200

You are very likely an Aspie

So if you want to take a little bit of time (more if you are Aspie-ish) and answer the 150 questions, heres the link:

http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

Have fun!

Seasonal Confusion

Talk about total seasonal confusion! I went outside to bring the recyclables to the car and decided to walk around the yard a bit. I discovered a few surprises while out there.

We have had frost, snow, & freezing temps; the whole winter thing the past few weeks has chilled me to the bone. Yet, for all that... There was the tiniest of butterflies fluttering round my dead Rose of Sharons! I watched it flitter and hover round my soggy, dead garden for a few minutes in wonder, before it decided to really move on. I have no idea how it has survived this long, or where it hid during the coldest, soggiest times. It did bring a smile and joy to me, so thankful I am that it has made it this long.

Once the lil thing moved on I looked at my bleary garden, missing its green cheer... And saw a hint of green. Closer inspection led me to discover the silly cat nip plant that refused to grow all summer was quite alive! Healthy, vibrant green, it has a bunch of leaves, barely budded and mature ones both. THAT brought out a squee of delight! My kitties are happy for it too... But I have really missed my annual harvest of it for teas. Yes, teas. I love to blend my own teas; some other people love, and some still more cant seem to appreciate. *chuckles* Still, they are my own and I love them. Cat nip, a mellower member of the mint family, has always been part of my tradition.

So here I sit with a cup of cat nip and chamomile, and a HUGE smile. I may not get as much of a harvest as I would have liked, but at least I will get more than I expected.

*Blink*

I am quietly freaking out. Very quietly. And that is the worst sort of freaking out I do. Why? *snorts* Cause it means Im about to step out of my boxes, layers, and walls. It means peeking out, (or worse yet, STEPPING out), of my world. It is one thing to know that this blog CAN be seen by others, and a totally scary thing to know it IS seen by others. It's the sort of mental blinder I have to allow me to actually write what I do here. Knowing that Im "hiding in plain sight." Now, I know, the trick will be to keep putting down what is a very real slice of my mind and heart... To STAY open and real. Hence the quietly freaking out.

Hello. This is me. I am here. I am real. I am a royal mess. Nice to meet you.

Brain Dump

Yeah.. it's time for a brain dump, cause there's tooooooo much miscellany floating round and round and round...

I. I REALLY should have called the Nintendo folks a LOT sooner.. Like months ago. The power cord for our Wii took a dump and it has been an on-again-off-again thing to try to replace it. Lots of dead ends in the stores, and my Aspie kicks up when I have to call people. So wish I had kicked my inner Aspie a bit harder, and sooner. Eric was very helpful, nice, down to earth, and set it up to send me a new cord, free of charge. WooT for Eric! Cant wait to play my games again!

II. DH is on a cleaning streak. I really hate when this happens on a Sunday. Sunday= Do Nothing Day. Oh aggravating. True, the house is trashed from me not feeling well, and the piled up laundry form the water filter needing to be changed is taking over... Just... It's SUNDAY! And to let him empty the dishwasher and reload it... *shudders* SO BEATING my inner Aspie on this... Talk about HARD. Maybe music will help that. And doing some chore he wont ever touch, like the cat litter changing. Yeah, that sounds good. Mine. All mine. My way. My order. My sanity. Oh yeah, Aspie...

III. The party for oldest Boyo went really well yesterday. My Mom really, really, really, knows how to cook!!!! Our house is too small for any type of party indoors, so had it at my rents. We combined some other occasions into it, like a couple anniversaries and a few other Bdays. Lots of family there (all my side of the fam, but THAT is a whole other novel), and a great time was had by all. It was loud, a bit crowded, and long enough for me to need a good deal of desensitization last night. I really want a sensory room... but thats a dream for another reality.

IV. The Boyoes look soooooooo good with their mohawks!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehehehehehehe! I am getting a bit more practiced, I think. Took less than an hour for each one, so at least it's taking less time. Still wrestling with getting pics of them up for y'all to see. Its a bit of a process to do it the way I know best...

V. My back hurts. Think stress and sleeping funny caused this newest wave of gah.

VI. Why would anyone put a $10 bill in their cell phone?

VII. My coffee is cold now. Blargh.

VIII. Boyo has more money from his party yesterday than DH & I do... Least till payday hits again, then if boyo still has his cash, he'll have more than us again...

IX. I need a job. This topic is a novel in itself, so cramming as much as I can back into the mental box from whence it came. Stomping it back in really. I haven't worked outside of the house in over 10 years. Aspie beating me on this in a bad way. I hate filling out applications in general; trying to fill them out after a 10 year gap is all but impossible to me. There have been no responses to the few I have managed to put out there. Doesn't help that for all my time in school, I never actually achieved any sort of degree. I was a few credits short of three different degrees... and all counts for nill on an application. And why cant I list being a SAHM as a job anyway?! *snorts and shakes her head* Moving on...

X. I really want to go back to class. I miss it terribly. I LOVE to learn, and learn a wide variety of things. I would love to be able to achieve some degrees, but really I just want to learn. And here again, no money to do so, no job to supply the money to do so... Gah.

XI. NaNoWriMo is just not going to happen this year. I'm scared of what I know will come out, so hiding again from it... for now. But with less than 2k words? Not happening. Nope. Not unless Tweets, and blogs, and IMs count. hmm... There's an idea. "Diary of a Not-So-Closet Aspie" Moving on before THAT sticks in my head...

XII. I have a "thing" with numbers, so will end on 12 here. Had too much for three, blew past seven and nine, so ypu, 12 it is. And the "ypu" links to #12's number "thing." I have ways I do things. A sort of internal coding that is very hard to break, and rewrite, or hack. Like the numbers I live by, and the words I make/rearrange to give little "tellers" of how I'm doing... For anyone clever enough to know the code...

For right now.

Time slips quietly by, like the misty raindrops gathering and falling off dead leaves too stubborn to let go. And here I sit within my mind; sitting in the shadows of the in-between. Which way will I choose?

I am tired of letting other things decide that for me, at least for right now. I don't know if I will be able to say that again tomorrow, or even later than this moment... For right now, though, I want to choose the sun steeped meadow, the warm evening breeze dappled with pollen and honey. At least in my world that sweet scented wind wont make my head explode...

For right now, I do not want my life summary to be "...", I want it to be more permanent. A period, an exclamation, even a question mark would be fine. Just not "...". So, for the next however-long-it-takes, I choose to be wandering in that beautiful vista, remembering what hope tastes like.

In my head...

I live in my head. Really. Sometimes it's a great place to be; open fields of sunshine and trees, bees and flowers along the streams. Other times, most times these days, it's a very scary place; haunted shadows of twisted and torn things wailing and blurring the scene. Few people understand how I "work," what makes me "tick." Very few. I tend to hide, a lot.
If the sun, or moon, is shining bright, you might see a smile cross my lips. It might even stay for a bit, or better yet, turn into a laugh. I love being alive at these times, no matter just how crazy and stressed my life is. Words tumble in evanescent joy at these moments, leaving never-to-be-written imprints on my mental landscape... Sweet notes of song on the breeze.
Winter is hard, very hard, for me. My turmoils compounded by my photo-sensitivity, leaving me only half sane... At least I hope half. And even now, typing these things out, knowing that I will force myself to hit that "Publish Post" button, I am balking at putting more of "me" out there... out of hiding...
I get so tired of being alone, even when others are present. Less than a handful of people drive that "alone-ness" away with their presence, and that to varying degrees.
I know that no matter how hard I push, rebel, and otherwise ignore my God, my Y'shua, I know He's still there. I know He "gets" me, loves me. *sighs* And here is where my hiding becomes too palatable to push back anymore.

"You"

Plastic ink and pigment upon the charcoal and pencil bright of my life.

The spreading sangoire stain haunts the still open grave of my dreams.

Smoke wreathes the cyan expanse above,

Shattered remnants crunch and slice my soles.

"Let go," the whisper comes.

My hoarse breathed voice asks...

"Let go of what?"

Rusted barbed wires and shards blooded upturned, palms dripping...

Dripping...

My silent scream echoed to the abyss...

"LET GO OF WHAT?"

"You," the inane wisdom answers.

And I fall,

Fall away...

Tumbling...

Only to wake.

Moment

The arisen Moon shines the brilliance of her gaze
Upon the near barren Guardian standing on the hill.
My steadfast Star bright of face
Playing with the silvered Clouds.
The evening Zephyr teasing my skirt
Kissing my ankles in a cool caress.
Beautiful and ageless words
Writ on the evanescent page of the Earth.

the Door

To open the portal and walk through the Door,

my mind awash in the salted rain upon my face...

the colors unending, unheeding

swirling,

skirling,

slithering to and fro...



Dewdrop and rain drop crushed beneath my toe,
test...

testing...

ah, yes,

tested.



Failing for lack,

Falling for love.

To lie upon the silver streak

beyond the abyss...





I

step

beyond

the Door.

Been a while, huh?

Well, hello to you all! Been busy around here. I have had ideas for blog posts come and go... Many of them I have forgotten at this point. None of them saw this place of type and colored pixels... *sigh*

I have been doing a lot of Twittering, which is fun beyond belief!
Here's where the fun begins with Twitter:

http://www.twitter.com

Let me know if you end up joining! I am KalaJun on Twitter... yeah I used my SL name.... hehehe Go figr. =^,^=

Speaking of which.... I have not Twittered yet today.... need to do that!


OH! and YAY for summer!!!

Loves to all and Sundry,
Kala

Missed

Missed.... Ever think about that word? Take a moment and do so now...
How many different ways can you use this one little word?
Give it a try....

I missed the stair...
I missed you today...
I missed the bus/train/plane...
I missed the opportunity to ____________...

That last one gets me...

I missed the opportunity to show you how much you are loved...
I missed the opportunity to ask forgiveness...
I missed the opportunity to simply "be" with you...

So many ways to fill in the blank...


Now try this one...

Caught... Look at that little word and try again...

I caught a cold...
I caught your hand to hold it...
I caught your drift...
I caught you as you fell...

Again,the last one grabs me...

Falling off a ladder...
Falling from an unsteady sense of balance...
Falling from what is right...

Yeah, I have missed many things.
But, I have caught many things too.


Thanks for missing me;
thanks for catching me...


Loves to all & sundry,
Me

WRITE!!!!!!

It is officially well into November, and well, I'm WAY behind...
And I mean WAY behind.

So...


WRITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THEN WRITE SOME MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


For those of you scratching your heads...
November is (drum roll, please):
National Novel Writing Month
or NaNoWriMo for those of us who love and revile this thirty day freak fest of typing and moaning/exulting/crying/bleeding/praying/daydreaming/never really sleeping/get the oddest looks from those living with you and those that don't... I could go on, but you get the point, I hope.

This would be easier with a whole left index finger...
Let's just say that the knife thought I meant my finger and NOT the bagel...
That's what I get for feeding the natives...
:D

Well, enough procrastinating... My (new) 1960 Royale portable typewriter awaits...
Yeah, I said typewriter, well, I typed it anyway...

:D

Big thanks to the friend who thought I "just might like it"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I must be off. I know, I always have been, but it is NaNoWriMo afterall...

Loves to All and Sundry,
Kala

I'm still not too sure about this...

Yeah, it has been a long time. I apologize for that. I am still not too sure if I will leave this up or not. Some things happened in my life shortly after my last post, and well, my integrity and this blog were put into question. Needless to say, I did not have a good time with that. I'm still praying on many things. Please forgive me if you happen past here and it appears neglected. Simply means I'm still not sure where to go from here...

On another note, a much more exciting and gut-twisting note...

It is almost NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you scratching your heads, November is (drum roll, please)

NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Otherwise affectionately known as NaNoWriMo.

50,000 words in 30 days.
Ah, yes, I love the feel of adrenaline and nausea...

:)

Well, let's have at it.
We'll see what will happen from here on out.
One day at a time...


Praying for grace,
Me.

Summer???

So. It's official; everyone that I have talked to confirms it... Summer has come, and is going, way too fast. I have made the mistake of blinking once or twice and there ya go. Schooling starts all too soon and I am not ready for that. The weather is still too nice and we have not done half the things originally planned.

*sigh*

Oh, well. As it has been said, "Time waits for no man..."

*sigh, again*

I am still hoping to do a few family picnics and trips to the parks; the beach would be nice, too. (Provided that I bring enough sunscreen to drown in! *smiles BIG*) I could really use some time with my DH and kiddos just playing.
Strange concept, I know...

We have family from out of state coming in and I really want to spend time with them, but I do not know how much time I will really get due to planning issues. I have not seen these Dear ones for seven years! That is way too long in my book, but ya know how it gets when people live half the country away!

Well, other than that I really do not have much to say, so I guess I'll get going and try to get some laundry done...

*one more sigh*

Hey, life is good 'cause I'm blessed and He said so!

Have a good time till I come back y'all!! :D

Loves to all...

Um... I don't really have a title for this one...

Hello to All and Sundry!

Sorry it has been so long since my last post... Life has a way of moving forward, ya know?

The school year is almost out... I am not sure how I feel 'bout that. It will be good to have my boyoes at home with me again. *sigh* I just hope that they will stay off each other's throats!

*tilts head to the side and ponders awhile*

I guess that would be part of my job as Momma, wouldn't it? If I'm doing my end of the whole thing, they will have less to do with fighting themselves. *Shrugs*

I plan on keeping up with their lessons over the break so that they are not behind come fall; if I keep some maintained schedule things will run smoother at home in general.
I have been working on just that for some time now, the schedule, that is.

I still have not had THE TALK w/my DH yet about them attending/ not attending the public school next fall. :P
I am not sure that I want to...

Things have been a bit on the stressful side lately. Friends have been having troubles, my MIL's basement flooded bad, the ministry schedule is picking up... Yeah. A bit busier...

OK! Enough of that!!! :D

I have a new website that is WAY AWESOME!!!!!! If you are into playing music check this site out!!!!!!

http://www.musicnotes.com

It is a lot of fun!
Ok, that's all for now my Dears! I gotta go price & compare mulch... yes, mulch... :)

Loves to all...

My bad!!!

Hey Howdy Hey Y'all!!
Wow, it has been a long time! Sorry to leave ya hanging. Needless to say, I have been busy.

Life has a way of coming at a person in rapid fire spurts interspersed with languid shallows, ya know?

I spent a little more than a week up with my BF and her Fam. That was a great experience for me. I really do have to use the term experience. I have not been able to spend that much time with them all at once before. They have a very challenging family situation, and the only way to really appreciate it is to live it for a time. I praise God that we do not face the challenges that they do... I would have cracked a long time ago under such stress. I still marvel at how they go about surviving and living... The grace of our Y'shua truly amazes me!

I pray for them even more fervently now, and am better able to grasp what my Dearest struggles with every day.

Amazing. Simply amazing. *Befuddled shaking of head*

Anyway... : D

While I was up there I attended my first anime convention!! *bouncy, bouncy* YAY!!!!
I cosplayed from a favorite series of mine-- "Haibane Renmei". A dear friend who was visiting at the BF's home went with me, or more correctly, I went with her... She cosplayed from "Please Teacher". I am not familiar all that much with this particular series, but she did the cos really well! *vigorous nods & grins*
We really had a great time!!!

I am sad, relieved, happy, and bummed all at once to be back home. I could not stay away from my DH one hour longer, and I chafed to be with him constantly, and yet...
And yet, I wish I could still be with my BF, my "Mirror." I do not hold much hope in us moving there, or them moving back here, but I like to dream...

Loves to all...

Colloquialisms and the Life of "X"...

Hello to all!
I hope you all have enjoyed yourselves since last we shared company. My dearest BF and I had a wondrous time this am on the phone. We talked in the usual circles and tangent-cies that circumscribe our conversations and lives... Oh! How I LOVE it!! =D (I am not familiar with a word that means the tendency for tangents, so I use that! Correct me if I am wrong, please.)
Among the many paths our words meandered perhaps the most amusing two centered on- you guessed it- colloquialisms and the letter "X".

It was not too hard for my BF to find the meaning of the Brit col. "sod" on her home-based DSL connection. (Yes, I am jealous, and doing not so well in not doing so... Have fun with me today, and just put up with my typed speech patterns!)
This led to the finding of a Brit/American dictionary/lexicon. I am still having fun with it, however, I think my fellow library goers are of the opinion that I have lost my mind... Perhaps you agree with them. Your choice; I'm happy.

We also talked about what she considers to be the under-dog of the alphabet, the letter "X". I just plain do not care for the letter, or any of the words that start with it, for that matter. They are either scientific words with definitions that leave you searching the meanings of the words in the said definition, or just plain words that need an "x" only if they are abbreviated. You tell me, please, if you find the letter "X" to be the useless, if complicated, fop I deem it to be- or the under-dog of the alphabet who deserves our respectful pity- Oh! Sorry! I meant admiration. *smirk* [I love you, my Dear, but I am sure we will agree to disagree on this small, if pressing, issue. ;) ]

Loves to all!

Search and change...

Hello, my Dears and Sundry.
I am changing the look here 'cause I am tired of the old one. I wish I could change up my living room so easily... *Big sigh* Oh well. I have no idea how long this template will stay, so I hope you don't mind it.

So- how many of you are familiar with floriography or its Japanese counterpart hanakotoba? It is the "language of flowers" or "flower word." I have been doing my best to turn myself cross-eyed researching this elusive topic. I guess I should say topics, really. Very rarely do the meanings given coincide, as I am finding out.

Why am I doing this exercise in wild goose chasing? Good question!
I am doing my background checks on flowers in order to design a tattoo. I do not treat such a lasting thing with brash disregard for the symbolism. People may base their decisions solely on how pretty the design is, and that is fine for them. I am not so unbalanced. Life is harsh at times on this fallen planet, and we all struggle to overcome the sin within. Our beauty is fleeting as the flowers' bloom. That is just the way I am. I have to reflect this in my design. I am not anywhere near the realm of being "finished" as they used to call it, nor am I deluded enough to think so grandly of my mortality. "Beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised..."

I hope that I have made sense in any of this... Any which way you care to think about it, I need to sign off and give my eyes a break! Besides, I would love to do some reading in the car before I have to pick up my boyoes. Take care, and know that you are loved, and not just by me...

Loves to all...

A Penchant for Pondering

Hello to Sundry and All!

A grey day all around, here. I seem to have lapsed into one of those kind of days where everything reminds me of something else. A penchant for pondering.

I was snippy with my Eldest in the car on the way to school this morning and it tainted our usual cheery routine. I was painfully brought to the memory of when I was a child and had had a similar experience with my Momma. I did not get to tell her goodbye one morning and it left me in tears for the whole day. I had begged a trusted teacher to let me go to the office and call her, once I was sure she would be at work, so that I might say goodbye to her. My plan failed; my teacher said no. I cried all the way home and could not concentrate on anything till she got home from work and I could talk to her. I did not tell her goodbye at that point, bien sur, but I did make sure to say goodnight with an extra hug for good measure.

I remember telling her that I had not gotten to tell her goodbye that morning and she just did not get why that hit me so hard. Perhaps she still does not; I really do not know.

Partings of any kind impact me in strange ways, be it dropping the kids off at school, my DH going to work, going to bed at night, leaving the cats at home so I can go about my errands... You get the point. I do not know why these things affect me so much, but they do. Perhaps it is a quirk of personality combined with growing up in our unusual family circumstances?

You see, for those of you not familiar with my history, my family dealt in death- in a manner of speaking of course, no mafia ties that I'm aware of. My Grandmother worked for a funeral home and would sometimes bring me to her work so my Mom could go to work, or whatever. I grew up around the hushed tones of mourners and the pasted, overly polite and sympathetic smiles of the Hosts. We also lived in an apartment above one of the funeral homes owned by that family for many years. Perhaps because of these things, I have developed an overly sensitive consciousness of the fragility of life...

I am waxing philosophical. Forgive me, kudasai. Thank Y'shua that this life is not all we are meant to live. Yes, we are to live this life in a special awareness of His Will and bring Him glory... But there is more than this tenuous grasp at life. How I love Him in His mercy and grace! His love covers the multitude of sin, and I love the life He has lent me. May I remember that ever so well when I am camped in the grey zone!

Loves to all!!