From the mouths of babes...

Life has a way of throwing things at you that you are not ready for. It's what makes us grow and adapt. Today has been one of those days where I am not feeling the best and struggling to deal with teh Boyoes with patience, if not humor. 

That's when my elder son delivers a line that simply smacked me in the face. 

"My traitor is my creator."

Now this is coming from a nine year old. He likes to write songs and this happened to be the latest title of one such.  I am quite certain he did not intend it to mean as much as it does, but still...  Left me blinking.

How often do I/we let the little, and the big, "traitors" in our lives create our mindset? Our mood? Our way of "being" in the world? Do not mistake me here; I am not saying that we ought to be without influences, but rather quit sabotaging ourselves.

All too often in my daily life, the "traitor" is me. 

Ok... Aspie...

So... I did this Apsergers quiz thinger... Scary hard for an Aspie to do. Seriously. This was my results page.

Your Aspie score: 175 of 200

Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 49 of 200

You are very likely an Aspie

So if you want to take a little bit of time (more if you are Aspie-ish) and answer the 150 questions, heres the link:

http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

Have fun!

Seasonal Confusion

Talk about total seasonal confusion! I went outside to bring the recyclables to the car and decided to walk around the yard a bit. I discovered a few surprises while out there.

We have had frost, snow, & freezing temps; the whole winter thing the past few weeks has chilled me to the bone. Yet, for all that... There was the tiniest of butterflies fluttering round my dead Rose of Sharons! I watched it flitter and hover round my soggy, dead garden for a few minutes in wonder, before it decided to really move on. I have no idea how it has survived this long, or where it hid during the coldest, soggiest times. It did bring a smile and joy to me, so thankful I am that it has made it this long.

Once the lil thing moved on I looked at my bleary garden, missing its green cheer... And saw a hint of green. Closer inspection led me to discover the silly cat nip plant that refused to grow all summer was quite alive! Healthy, vibrant green, it has a bunch of leaves, barely budded and mature ones both. THAT brought out a squee of delight! My kitties are happy for it too... But I have really missed my annual harvest of it for teas. Yes, teas. I love to blend my own teas; some other people love, and some still more cant seem to appreciate. *chuckles* Still, they are my own and I love them. Cat nip, a mellower member of the mint family, has always been part of my tradition.

So here I sit with a cup of cat nip and chamomile, and a HUGE smile. I may not get as much of a harvest as I would have liked, but at least I will get more than I expected.

"Black Sea" excerpt

She sat very still and straight in the dingy. Only in her mind was she hunched and curled around herself in fear. Apprehension and dread permeated everything here, in this place between. She had been Summoned to this dark place outside of time, though she knew not why or how. Her eyes darted from the shrouded Boat Keeper to the midnight expanse that ought to have been sky. The emptiness of that sight filled her with dread, her stomach knotted tight and her heart thumping against her ribs. Her gaze flickered to the water that was not water, black as pitch. It held her trapped fast. No reflections or ripples marred its glassy surface, though she knew it ought not be that way. Instinctively she knew its touch would burn with a salted acidity. It was death, this whole place was death. Death of all that was light and good.

She pulled her eyes away, forcing herself to look forward, beyond the Keeper and its long pole... To the island in the too near distance. She did not know how she could see it, that obsidian shore placed in the middle of this unnatural water. Yet she could see the individual shards that was the gravelly sand. It shimmered in the most peculiar way, absorbing what light might have ever been, like uncounted black holes. The void was total and complete and she did not want to go there. But she was Summoned. She had no choice. So very straight and still she sat in the dingy, struggling to stay sane and alive.


All these years later I still wonder at the Black Sea, and its Island... And at the other alive one in the boat behind me...
This is the place of my darkest despair, my deepest fears. The place to which more than one Summons have been given. And each time, I am sent back alive, if not whole. Were it not for the light and beauty of the Grotto and the Tree, I should have been insane and dead long ago.


-Excerpt, a very rough one from the first draft, of "Summons"

*Blink*

I am quietly freaking out. Very quietly. And that is the worst sort of freaking out I do. Why? *snorts* Cause it means Im about to step out of my boxes, layers, and walls. It means peeking out, (or worse yet, STEPPING out), of my world. It is one thing to know that this blog CAN be seen by others, and a totally scary thing to know it IS seen by others. It's the sort of mental blinder I have to allow me to actually write what I do here. Knowing that Im "hiding in plain sight." Now, I know, the trick will be to keep putting down what is a very real slice of my mind and heart... To STAY open and real. Hence the quietly freaking out.

Hello. This is me. I am here. I am real. I am a royal mess. Nice to meet you.

Brain Dump

Yeah.. it's time for a brain dump, cause there's tooooooo much miscellany floating round and round and round...

I. I REALLY should have called the Nintendo folks a LOT sooner.. Like months ago. The power cord for our Wii took a dump and it has been an on-again-off-again thing to try to replace it. Lots of dead ends in the stores, and my Aspie kicks up when I have to call people. So wish I had kicked my inner Aspie a bit harder, and sooner. Eric was very helpful, nice, down to earth, and set it up to send me a new cord, free of charge. WooT for Eric! Cant wait to play my games again!

II. DH is on a cleaning streak. I really hate when this happens on a Sunday. Sunday= Do Nothing Day. Oh aggravating. True, the house is trashed from me not feeling well, and the piled up laundry form the water filter needing to be changed is taking over... Just... It's SUNDAY! And to let him empty the dishwasher and reload it... *shudders* SO BEATING my inner Aspie on this... Talk about HARD. Maybe music will help that. And doing some chore he wont ever touch, like the cat litter changing. Yeah, that sounds good. Mine. All mine. My way. My order. My sanity. Oh yeah, Aspie...

III. The party for oldest Boyo went really well yesterday. My Mom really, really, really, knows how to cook!!!! Our house is too small for any type of party indoors, so had it at my rents. We combined some other occasions into it, like a couple anniversaries and a few other Bdays. Lots of family there (all my side of the fam, but THAT is a whole other novel), and a great time was had by all. It was loud, a bit crowded, and long enough for me to need a good deal of desensitization last night. I really want a sensory room... but thats a dream for another reality.

IV. The Boyoes look soooooooo good with their mohawks!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehehehehehehe! I am getting a bit more practiced, I think. Took less than an hour for each one, so at least it's taking less time. Still wrestling with getting pics of them up for y'all to see. Its a bit of a process to do it the way I know best...

V. My back hurts. Think stress and sleeping funny caused this newest wave of gah.

VI. Why would anyone put a $10 bill in their cell phone?

VII. My coffee is cold now. Blargh.

VIII. Boyo has more money from his party yesterday than DH & I do... Least till payday hits again, then if boyo still has his cash, he'll have more than us again...

IX. I need a job. This topic is a novel in itself, so cramming as much as I can back into the mental box from whence it came. Stomping it back in really. I haven't worked outside of the house in over 10 years. Aspie beating me on this in a bad way. I hate filling out applications in general; trying to fill them out after a 10 year gap is all but impossible to me. There have been no responses to the few I have managed to put out there. Doesn't help that for all my time in school, I never actually achieved any sort of degree. I was a few credits short of three different degrees... and all counts for nill on an application. And why cant I list being a SAHM as a job anyway?! *snorts and shakes her head* Moving on...

X. I really want to go back to class. I miss it terribly. I LOVE to learn, and learn a wide variety of things. I would love to be able to achieve some degrees, but really I just want to learn. And here again, no money to do so, no job to supply the money to do so... Gah.

XI. NaNoWriMo is just not going to happen this year. I'm scared of what I know will come out, so hiding again from it... for now. But with less than 2k words? Not happening. Nope. Not unless Tweets, and blogs, and IMs count. hmm... There's an idea. "Diary of a Not-So-Closet Aspie" Moving on before THAT sticks in my head...

XII. I have a "thing" with numbers, so will end on 12 here. Had too much for three, blew past seven and nine, so ypu, 12 it is. And the "ypu" links to #12's number "thing." I have ways I do things. A sort of internal coding that is very hard to break, and rewrite, or hack. Like the numbers I live by, and the words I make/rearrange to give little "tellers" of how I'm doing... For anyone clever enough to know the code...

For right now.

Time slips quietly by, like the misty raindrops gathering and falling off dead leaves too stubborn to let go. And here I sit within my mind; sitting in the shadows of the in-between. Which way will I choose?

I am tired of letting other things decide that for me, at least for right now. I don't know if I will be able to say that again tomorrow, or even later than this moment... For right now, though, I want to choose the sun steeped meadow, the warm evening breeze dappled with pollen and honey. At least in my world that sweet scented wind wont make my head explode...

For right now, I do not want my life summary to be "...", I want it to be more permanent. A period, an exclamation, even a question mark would be fine. Just not "...". So, for the next however-long-it-takes, I choose to be wandering in that beautiful vista, remembering what hope tastes like.

In my head...

I live in my head. Really. Sometimes it's a great place to be; open fields of sunshine and trees, bees and flowers along the streams. Other times, most times these days, it's a very scary place; haunted shadows of twisted and torn things wailing and blurring the scene. Few people understand how I "work," what makes me "tick." Very few. I tend to hide, a lot.
If the sun, or moon, is shining bright, you might see a smile cross my lips. It might even stay for a bit, or better yet, turn into a laugh. I love being alive at these times, no matter just how crazy and stressed my life is. Words tumble in evanescent joy at these moments, leaving never-to-be-written imprints on my mental landscape... Sweet notes of song on the breeze.
Winter is hard, very hard, for me. My turmoils compounded by my photo-sensitivity, leaving me only half sane... At least I hope half. And even now, typing these things out, knowing that I will force myself to hit that "Publish Post" button, I am balking at putting more of "me" out there... out of hiding...
I get so tired of being alone, even when others are present. Less than a handful of people drive that "alone-ness" away with their presence, and that to varying degrees.
I know that no matter how hard I push, rebel, and otherwise ignore my God, my Y'shua, I know He's still there. I know He "gets" me, loves me. *sighs* And here is where my hiding becomes too palatable to push back anymore.

"You"

Plastic ink and pigment upon the charcoal and pencil bright of my life.

The spreading sangoire stain haunts the still open grave of my dreams.

Smoke wreathes the cyan expanse above,

Shattered remnants crunch and slice my soles.

"Let go," the whisper comes.

My hoarse breathed voice asks...

"Let go of what?"

Rusted barbed wires and shards blooded upturned, palms dripping...

Dripping...

My silent scream echoed to the abyss...

"LET GO OF WHAT?"

"You," the inane wisdom answers.

And I fall,

Fall away...

Tumbling...

Only to wake.

Moment

The arisen Moon shines the brilliance of her gaze
Upon the near barren Guardian standing on the hill.
My steadfast Star bright of face
Playing with the silvered Clouds.
The evening Zephyr teasing my skirt
Kissing my ankles in a cool caress.
Beautiful and ageless words
Writ on the evanescent page of the Earth.

the Door

To open the portal and walk through the Door,

my mind awash in the salted rain upon my face...

the colors unending, unheeding

swirling,

skirling,

slithering to and fro...



Dewdrop and rain drop crushed beneath my toe,
test...

testing...

ah, yes,

tested.



Failing for lack,

Falling for love.

To lie upon the silver streak

beyond the abyss...





I

step

beyond

the Door.

Yeah.. been too long again

I am sorry for taking such a long break yet again. It has come to my attention that my life needs to maintain a fairly mediocre status in order for me to blog regularly...
I really hope that is upon me again.

Loves to all & sundry
Me

Been a while, huh?

Well, hello to you all! Been busy around here. I have had ideas for blog posts come and go... Many of them I have forgotten at this point. None of them saw this place of type and colored pixels... *sigh*

I have been doing a lot of Twittering, which is fun beyond belief!
Here's where the fun begins with Twitter:

http://www.twitter.com

Let me know if you end up joining! I am KalaJun on Twitter... yeah I used my SL name.... hehehe Go figr. =^,^=

Speaking of which.... I have not Twittered yet today.... need to do that!


OH! and YAY for summer!!!

Loves to all and Sundry,
Kala

It Is Time

Tendrils of shattered dreams
Slipping through fingers
The tainted bubbles of yesteryear's days

Smile Little One
Face of Fair Child
Eyes of the Ancient

Wind borne tragedy
The sighs of night
Collapse upon the roots

Shine Young One
Flaxen crown woven of Gold
Feet fleet for Dance

Flame incited tempest
Creation trampled above
Seared wisps underneath

Sing Beloved One
Lips quivering bruised Lilly
Throat ivory Nightingale

Fragile prayer in hope
Pooling salted fears
Bitter barbs blooded

Stretch Aged One
Hands of gnarled Tenderness
Knees given Humility

Shield of faith upheld
Words distilled battling
Messages from beyond the gate

Stay Raised One
Form swathed Light
Beauty reflecting Perfection

Whisper of love remembered
Soul embraced belief
It Is Time.

It is time

"Take my hand; it is time," he whispered, his voice velvet soft. I knew he could not see my face in this dim light. Could not see the apprehension, the fear, and the confusion contorting my face like soggy cotton candy. My face hurt from it. I knew my tiny hand was reaching for his large bear paw of a hand, but I could not remember directing it to move, perhaps it was the way my breath refused to be caught. Maybe it was soggy cotton candy stuck in my lungs and throat. Soon as my shaking fingers touched his warm palm, the blinding light struck me...

Missed

Missed.... Ever think about that word? Take a moment and do so now...
How many different ways can you use this one little word?
Give it a try....

I missed the stair...
I missed you today...
I missed the bus/train/plane...
I missed the opportunity to ____________...

That last one gets me...

I missed the opportunity to show you how much you are loved...
I missed the opportunity to ask forgiveness...
I missed the opportunity to simply "be" with you...

So many ways to fill in the blank...


Now try this one...

Caught... Look at that little word and try again...

I caught a cold...
I caught your hand to hold it...
I caught your drift...
I caught you as you fell...

Again,the last one grabs me...

Falling off a ladder...
Falling from an unsteady sense of balance...
Falling from what is right...

Yeah, I have missed many things.
But, I have caught many things too.


Thanks for missing me;
thanks for catching me...


Loves to all & sundry,
Me

New Beginning...

There are many distractions in this life... Too many that we have no control over, and many more that we do. Getting sick, can't really control it, at best hold it off or shorten it... Video games and the internet... Controllable.

Do a self- survey of your day, your week, your life...
What are your distractions?
Are they good or harmful?
Can you do something to change how distracting they are?
How are they affecting others around you?
What positive changes are sitting in the back of your head, in your heart?
What is being whispered or shouted into your soul right now?


Now, what are you going to do with it all?


Mighty ElShaddai,
We humbly seek Your face, boldly coming before Your throne. We wear the righteousness of Your Son as our robe; our hands held to You in supplication.
Bless us with Your Words in our hearts, as the Scriptures promise. Open our hearts and eyes and ears to Your presence. Help us our Strong Defender to stand for what is right with Your perfect strength, Your joy.
Restore us, Jehova Rapha, our Healer and Maker, to each other, to ourselves, and especially to You.
We praise You for the lavish love You delight to give us. We praise You for the new day, the breath of this moment. Be a constant whisper in our minds as we strive to be living sacrifices on the altar of Your love.
We thank You for all that You were, are and will be. We humbly give You all that we are with hearts full of gratitude and praise.
With songs of adoration we enter Your whirlwind of grace; may it be a pleasing rhapsody to Your ears, Father.
We pray in the Name above all names, the Name at which every knee shall bow:
Y'shua, Your Son.
AMEN AND AMEN

Loves to All...

WRITE!!!!!!

It is officially well into November, and well, I'm WAY behind...
And I mean WAY behind.

So...


WRITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THEN WRITE SOME MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


For those of you scratching your heads...
November is (drum roll, please):
National Novel Writing Month
or NaNoWriMo for those of us who love and revile this thirty day freak fest of typing and moaning/exulting/crying/bleeding/praying/daydreaming/never really sleeping/get the oddest looks from those living with you and those that don't... I could go on, but you get the point, I hope.

This would be easier with a whole left index finger...
Let's just say that the knife thought I meant my finger and NOT the bagel...
That's what I get for feeding the natives...
:D

Well, enough procrastinating... My (new) 1960 Royale portable typewriter awaits...
Yeah, I said typewriter, well, I typed it anyway...

:D

Big thanks to the friend who thought I "just might like it"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I must be off. I know, I always have been, but it is NaNoWriMo afterall...

Loves to All and Sundry,
Kala

Plumb songs to think about, pray thru, write with...

Taken

i can see you standing in the pouring rain
waiting for changes to carry you away

i can see the light fall from your eyes
as we get lost in the tears of this goodbye
but you can't go farther than my heart can go

*'cause i'll still be loving you
through the sadness and the madness here
and i'll always be with you
in the distance that has taken you from me*

i can hear you laugh when i close my eyes
i can picture your face
and the strength inside your smile

i can see the words dance across your lips
i'll remember forever is something more than this

so you can't go farther than my heart will go
and i'll always be with you
in the distance that has taken you from me


Nice, Naive, and Beautiful


She's only known heartache and pain
But she's never known a pain like this

She stands alone defending her name
When all that she's done is "be who she is"

Well is it so wrong to be who we are
When all that she's done is "fail"

'Cause she's so nice, naive and beautiful
Why does she get taken advantage
Why does she live in a world so cold
She takes advantage of the nice, naive and the beautiful

Cold is the throne of her hardened heart
No one has seen the softest part

Day after night she holds an ache
And won't budge to show this secret place

Well is it so wrong to hang onto hurt
Maybe she could set it free

'Cause she's so nice, naive and beautiful
Why did she get taken for granted
Why did she live in a world so cold
He took advantage of the nice, naive and the beautiful

If you've been there you know
If you're still there hang on
We're all dealt our lumps of coal
What you do with it can turn beautiful

Well there's a life outside of your madness
And there's a face behind every scar
But there's a love overflowing with gladness
Get out of that place that's restraining your love
I said get out of that place that's restraining your love


Both songs from the recording "Beautiful Lumps of Coal" by Plumb. Check it out, it is GREAT!
Copyright 2002 Cubtunes Music et all...

Loves to All and Sundry,
-Me-

I'm still not too sure about this...

Yeah, it has been a long time. I apologize for that. I am still not too sure if I will leave this up or not. Some things happened in my life shortly after my last post, and well, my integrity and this blog were put into question. Needless to say, I did not have a good time with that. I'm still praying on many things. Please forgive me if you happen past here and it appears neglected. Simply means I'm still not sure where to go from here...

On another note, a much more exciting and gut-twisting note...

It is almost NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you scratching your heads, November is (drum roll, please)

NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Otherwise affectionately known as NaNoWriMo.

50,000 words in 30 days.
Ah, yes, I love the feel of adrenaline and nausea...

:)

Well, let's have at it.
We'll see what will happen from here on out.
One day at a time...


Praying for grace,
Me.