A Penchant for Pondering

Hello to Sundry and All!

A grey day all around, here. I seem to have lapsed into one of those kind of days where everything reminds me of something else. A penchant for pondering.

I was snippy with my Eldest in the car on the way to school this morning and it tainted our usual cheery routine. I was painfully brought to the memory of when I was a child and had had a similar experience with my Momma. I did not get to tell her goodbye one morning and it left me in tears for the whole day. I had begged a trusted teacher to let me go to the office and call her, once I was sure she would be at work, so that I might say goodbye to her. My plan failed; my teacher said no. I cried all the way home and could not concentrate on anything till she got home from work and I could talk to her. I did not tell her goodbye at that point, bien sur, but I did make sure to say goodnight with an extra hug for good measure.

I remember telling her that I had not gotten to tell her goodbye that morning and she just did not get why that hit me so hard. Perhaps she still does not; I really do not know.

Partings of any kind impact me in strange ways, be it dropping the kids off at school, my DH going to work, going to bed at night, leaving the cats at home so I can go about my errands... You get the point. I do not know why these things affect me so much, but they do. Perhaps it is a quirk of personality combined with growing up in our unusual family circumstances?

You see, for those of you not familiar with my history, my family dealt in death- in a manner of speaking of course, no mafia ties that I'm aware of. My Grandmother worked for a funeral home and would sometimes bring me to her work so my Mom could go to work, or whatever. I grew up around the hushed tones of mourners and the pasted, overly polite and sympathetic smiles of the Hosts. We also lived in an apartment above one of the funeral homes owned by that family for many years. Perhaps because of these things, I have developed an overly sensitive consciousness of the fragility of life...

I am waxing philosophical. Forgive me, kudasai. Thank Y'shua that this life is not all we are meant to live. Yes, we are to live this life in a special awareness of His Will and bring Him glory... But there is more than this tenuous grasp at life. How I love Him in His mercy and grace! His love covers the multitude of sin, and I love the life He has lent me. May I remember that ever so well when I am camped in the grey zone!

Loves to all!!